Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
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I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.