@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
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@LifeUnPinterest: *Adorns new baby with: Infinity scarf Leggings Uggs Bottle of pumpkin spice latte* They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn't cry!
@markedly: What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
@Smooheed: *signs into Skype meeting with very important clients* *tries to sound incredibly intelligent* *gets attacked by moth* *falls off chair*
@DiamondLou69: Feeling a little sad... ...saw a FB post about someone that has "the best girlfriend ever" and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.