@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
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@RunwayDan: Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you've been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
@huntigula: Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god's kingdom Judas: um, isn't that from the Lion King? Jesus: *glares at Judas*
@markedly: ME: This man's robbing me COP: No he's not M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber's hand on wallet* come on why aren't you robbing now
@XplodingUnicorn: [middle of the night] Me: Wake up! Wife: What?! Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig Wife: Me: But she couldn't. It was HOGwarts