@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
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@Skullcat: I've done some pretty stupid things while I've been drunk, but in alcohol's defense, I've done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.
@vikkaroni: Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I'm an alcoholic. Operator: Ma'am, this is AAA. Me: I know. I'm an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.