I need a chiropractor for my brain.
You Might Also Like
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Jesus steals the winter solstice
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off