@beeftweets: I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that's 10 times better.
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@SuicideBooth1: [couples therapy] Mrs: he's too handsy, always touching me all over... Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS...
@GingerHotDish: [police interrogation room] Officer: you've been identified as the runner who.. Me: Let me stop you right there.
@OhMyBlondie: If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don't think you understand what it is we do here.
@imchriskelly: Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled "dead." No dice! Thank god---hang in there, celebs!