Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
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[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Milk Cube
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me