@clarkekant: I wish everyone would stop vaccinating their children. It’s really cutting down these lines at Disneyland!
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@LeBearGirdle: *Good Will Hunting* Professor: are you the janitor who's been solving the math equations? me: [writing '80085' on every chalkboard] yes?
@IGotsSmarts: I wondered why everyone said I had "bed hair", until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
@iamspacegirl: In the middle of a GOP debate, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.
@PaperWash: Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me? "Nah" *cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect* Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it