@clarkekant: I wish everyone would stop vaccinating their children. It’s really cutting down these lines at Disneyland!
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@juliussharpe: If Apple has taught me anything, it's wait to see the "Steve Jobs" movie until they release a second version.
@boring_as_heck: Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said.
@TheBoydP: Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!