Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
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I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.