@senderblock23: I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.
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@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
@girlontapas: I do things for others... Like when I'm drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
@ericsshadow: [wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS