I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
April 1st is the class clown of days.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.