@senderblock23: I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.
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@mindykaling: When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
@1Happytwit: My ex told me that Gaga's "Bad Romance" song reminds him of me. Now I'm glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
@philmann: DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE: 1) put on a movie 2) don't watch it 3) read a book 4) every time something happens ask what happened
@PYWL: I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don't need to sleep anymore anyway.