‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Liquor Store Parking
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead