Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
#Caturday
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
🙁
How can I say no to this ?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people