I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.