I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*power walks to the refrigerator*