I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
This is a bad sign
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Sounds like a bargain
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My beach vacation Google searches
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.