I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.