@tispennylane: Bartender: What can I get you? Me: Drunk

@dafloydsta: Now that Christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid's toys.

@TalibJim: ME: bae, you wanna go out? HER: hell yeah 😊 ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.

@gorrdano: McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear's "I'm a slave for you" before ordering.

@awkwardposts: NASA has no chill