I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
real
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably