@U_Want_Shum_M8: I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
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@LionJenkins: I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
@ArfMeasures: [during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match] ME: Ok listen up guys [all the other players look at me] ME: Is....is anyone else cold?
@Qckhd: Gets in shower Washes hair Thinks about a tweet Forgets if washed hair Washes hair Gets out of shower Forgets tweet
@TinaMav: How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.