I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
You Might Also Like
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
🤣🤣🤣
my sentiments exactly
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.