I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!