[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019