I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.