“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire