I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
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My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
hmm conte-me mais