@prodigalsam: "I wish I had more time to read" he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.
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@DurtMcHurtt: Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
@CulturedRuffian: I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
@skylerhanrath: *training the dog to sit* Me: So you're already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
@jackiembouvier: Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.