@prodigalsam: "I wish I had more time to read" he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.
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@sixfootcandy: Dr: Read the chart for me please. Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation? Dr: Ma'am, I was talking about the eye chart.
@joejwest: The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?! me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
@Statistar30: Sorry boss... You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test. It can't be both.