I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
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Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.