I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.