I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
classic mixup
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.