I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I feel this so hard
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?