While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
You Might Also Like
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
*puts cutlery down*
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY