My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I saw this ending much differently.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G