I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.