I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
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My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.