i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Best spot.. 😅
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”