@Milla_Jacobs: I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open
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@TheMichaelRock: Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn't have to? [flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors] Me: Yeah, I'm sweet like that.
@XplodingUnicorn: Teenager: Bae swag YOLO Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
@ericsshadow: My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.