Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
You Might Also Like
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?