I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Why soy sad?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.