@NYC_Blonde: I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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@TheMichaelRock: *sees Salvation Army bell ringer* "Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!" "Sir, we don't accept children." *runs away*
@Book_Krazy: Ok, Don't let them know you're an egg "Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview" [drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: (squeezing into a gown) I'm so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children? Disney Store clerk: Yes.
@BMcCarthy32: WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS