@NYC_Blonde: I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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@shatterpants: When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
@dubstep4dads: that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I'm afraid-" *Wife crying* "I'm afraid your husband is in a better place now." *cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*