@stockejock: Fool me once shame on you, Unless you're speaking Spanish, then that's eleven times and I probably deserved it.

@ChaseMit: My girlfriend's car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

@BeagirlNJ: Don't kid yourself vegans. If a cow got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you know

@ArfMeasures: T-REX *runs past me* ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I'm gonna eat you first

@fro_vo: [on a speed date] (okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie) “so, what do you like best in a woman?” BRAAAIIINNNSS