I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.