Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
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cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.