Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
the battle rages on
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁