@themorris23: I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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@MarylandMudflap: Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper "I know it's been you shitting in my yard."
@AdamOfEarth: Optimus Prime: "I transform from a robot into a truck. You?" Amazon Prime: "I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM."
@thepatrickwalsh: When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell "Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!"