I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.