I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
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That’s amazing.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
He’s cranky this morning
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.