Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg