Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
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If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Feels like the fourth month in January
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Hot hot hot 🥵
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.