@TEXASVETERAN: I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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@markleggett: If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.
@UncleDuke1969: "How much for this toaster?" "An arm & a leg." "How about a leg & 2 fingers?" "A leg & 3 fingers." "Deal!" - Cannibal Pawn Stars
@EndhooS: [Wakes up in hospital after car crash] I'm afraid we had to amputate both of your feet. "OMG why?" You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
@paulrobalino: Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right