I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I think we should hear other voices.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like