I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Europe. Made in Germany.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
The dark side of Canada
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.