I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
You Might Also Like
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What