I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
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How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’m sure it’s fine.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love