I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon