I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
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wash our hands
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At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.