The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Still cracks me up
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.