genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
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[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Selfie
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
What my back needs
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
For the baby who has everything
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend