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@neonorchid1: I wish "it's the thought that counts" worked for housework.
@SaraMansford: Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
@Chicken_Hawk38: Microwaves should have a "Pfft" button.
@jordan_stratton: WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I've been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
@ibid78: *meteor is about to hit earth*
Earth: I have a boyfriend
@markydoodoo: Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.