@neonorchid1: I wish "it's the thought that counts" worked for housework.
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@ibid78: "Dave's coming over." -Dave from work or Dave that doesn't know how doors work? [doorknob sorta jiggles for like 20 minutes]
@girlontapas: The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but...they can't make a microwave that I can put metal in. Someone isn't trying.
@kellysoloduka: ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body. HER: Did they? ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?
@robfee: If you laugh at a kid's joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.