The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
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Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Love this guy
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away