I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
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Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
bears
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”