I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
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When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
(Musicians.)
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My dress code is business-casualty.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together