I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Happy birthday to all the women
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.